Radical acceptance take two

I've been thinking about my previous post on radical acceptance and what else I could add on the topic... 

I have encountered many clients that truly suffer because they just don't know when they will have certain things that they desire in life (love, money, house, job, etc etc) 

I feel it's part of the human condition and entirely unavoidable to experience uncertainty; there are the more "man-made" happenings such as a scheduled appointment, the first day of a job or school or wedding day that we may know with some certainty is coming on that day.... Most things, however, aren't in our control, so we live with not knowing whether we will get there or experience that or buy that, etc.

And in the meantime; while we wait; we encounter the choice whether to accept that this is where we stand or attribute lots of negative emotions followed by "should statements" ("I should get that raise", "I should be in a relationship", "I should own a house", etc) and just feel miserable. 

Of course, radical acceptance teaches us to accept our current situation and know that "all is as it should be", but many, many, many are very unhappy because of the waiting and the uncertainty of whether what they want will happen and fighting against reality. 

So, what is in our control?

 If you want a relationship, you can certainly date; blind dates, dating sites, going out, letting everyone know you are open to dating, etc. When you meet someone you like, you can work on assertive communication, fighting fair/not letting arguments escalate, being a pleasant person, respecting their feelings, making them happy, romance, etc etc. What I mentioned are things within our control but if with all that you still can't meet someone you like or a relationship ends; that is out of your control and where acceptance comes in; whether you leave burning fecal matter on your exes porch (and get arrested!) or gain twenty pounds from ice cream handling the break up or sware off dating because you can't meet someone; the fact is what it is and you can't change that (not to mention the consequences of your behaviors if you "act out" which will worsen how you feel!) so, you become mindful of your sadness, loneliness and accept those feelings as part of your life and than work on improvement (utilizing skills learned in therapy!!).

Another example is finding the job you love: you have the power to finish school in a chosen area, work on resume, send out resume, network, etc but when and if you land that job is beyond your knowing; you can't control the economy and job market! 

When overwhelmed with frustration, You can choose to pull your hair out, give up all together, lay in bed for days but it won't change the outcome but in fact, will negatively impact valuable problem solving ability thus prolonging and worsening the situation. OR! You can be mindful of your feelings of frustration and move on (using skills acquired in therapy,

Of course!)

It's all the "should statements" that we invent for ourselves when they really are self created, that make things worst!!  The outcome may be the same regardless of whether we go screaming in frustration or find joy in day to day life ..so isn't taking the path of least resistance (the later) so much more pleasant?? Isn't joy and fun so much better than depression and anger? 

How do you start cultivating inner balance? Acceptance! Accept that life is as it is and than take measures to change your situation. There is no real change without acceptance. 

To quote Dr. Marsha Linehan (creator of dialectic behavioral therapy and brilliant psychologist): "acceptance is the only way out of hell". 

Radical acceptance

Radical acceptance is a very powerful tool. Basically, radical acceptance suggests accepting what really is in our lives as it is. The skill is so powerful that without accepting reality as is; we can not begin to change. 

Acceptance doesn't imply forgiving truly horrific actions of others or never being angry or unhappy or loving an abuser-- but actually suggests understanding and truly feeling your emotions, coming to terms with reality (changing what can be changed) and moving on with our lives. For example, you may not be able to change an alcoholic parent or having been abused in your past or having a horrible boss that you hate- there are many things in our lives that are not possible to change.. So you work on acceptance.

Acceptance is the opposite of fighting against reality or making "should/shouldn't" statements ("my father shouldn't be like this", "my life should be like this"). And you can not have acceptance without being aware of your reality including thoughts and feelings which are coming up. You can not have acceptance with avoidance. 

It's in our nature to want to intellectualize things but I feel with this skill, it comes from a more feeling place. In other words, you need to feel what radical acceptance is to understand it's meaning. For example, you can curse the rain and scream at the clouds for causing rain and make lots of "why me" statements or stay in your house and avoid rain or you can accept that it's raining and use an umbrella and hope for a sunny day tomorrow. Another example is being stuck in traffic and basically fighting against the reality that traffic happens; beeping your horn, flashing your middle finger at drivers and swearing loudly or accept that it is frustrating being stuck in traffic and no matter how much you fight it in your mind, traffic will still be there so you may as well listen to music and sing or call Someone and make the most of it. 

Stuff happens in our lives whether we are fighting it or not and the fight just ruins the moment and our mood and relationships and causes lots of heartbreak. It's like rowing against the current and finally letting go and going with the current. 

Another example is being stuck in quicksand: the more you panic and try to swim out, the quicker you drawn. The only way to not drawn in quicksand is to lay flat on your back, perfectly still. Likewise, the only way to accept reality is to acknowledge it, feel it, understand it, and remain in the moment with it. Acceptance. 

Feeling anxious?

I often get asked the difference between feelings of anxiety or an anxiety disorder. The diagnostic statistical manual (DSM), aka the bible in the world of mental health, classifies symptoms into various disorders. The DSM is a large book which lists the different mental health disorders thus making it easier for mental health professionals to communicate with one another ("so and so has bipolar" or "A. has schizophrenia", etc).

Honestly, not all disorders are the same because we are working with unique individuals with characteristics, temperaments, personalities, unique histories, etc. Social workers take on a bio-psycho-social model which stands for biology, psychology and social, viewing all aspects of a clients life and not just the standard bio-psycho medical model that is our DSM.... BUT that is for another post so let's get back to anxiety. In my practice, I look more at the individual sitting in front of me and less on their labeled disorder.I love this quote:  'Ask not what disease the person has, but rather what person the disease has'-William Osler

What is anxiety?
We have all felt stress or anxiety at one point in our lives. Whether we are preparing for a big exam and feeling overwhelmed about how we will cram in all the information or feel our heart beating very fast, palm sweaty right before public speaking. Stress is a normal, biological response to an outside (external) challenge. Stress activates our "flight or fight" response by way of our sympathetic nervous system. Without feeling stress (or fear) we wouldn't know to run when a large grizzly bear is about to attack us or pay attention to serious problem that requires problem solving skills and a resolution.

I will get into the neurochemical mechanisms in a future blog post.

As I mentioned above, we have all felt stress. If anxiety is a normal function of our human existence, when does it become "a problem?" The answer is when the symptoms become excessive, debilitating and therefore prevent day to day functioning. While anticipating getting a root canal may bring some feelings of anxiety, having panic attacks when you sit in the car is excessive. Another example is feeling nervous for your first day of work vs having insomnia for months because you experience paralyzing fear when confronted with any social situation so you either avoid leaving your house or need to self medicate.

Anxiety disorders often are caused by dysfunctional thought pattern which influences maladaptive behavior. Often times, individuals with anxiety disorders begin avoiding situations, people, places which makes them anxious which in turn makes the anxiety worst.

Dysfunctional thoughts aka distorted thinking, commonly seen in individuals with anxiety are All or Nothing thinking ("if I don't do this perfectly, then I failed, have to be perfect"), Emotional reasoning ("my feelings are facts so therefore if I am feeling hurt then you have betrayed me" or "I am beginning to feel anxious sitting on this train therefore I must be in danger"), Should statements ("everyone should be nice to me", "I should be rich, married, loved by everyone around me").

.Click here for more information about cognitive behavioral therapy and here. More to come!

The outcome is excellent with cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) treatment. In a nutshell, CBT teaches recognition of thought patterns and changes behaviors/thoughts which makes the anxiety worst. CBT also helps establish day to day tools and valuable problem solving skills to manage stress.